I can't pinpoint when it actually happened, but it seems like one day I called a company and a person answered the phone, and the next day it was a fake computer voice saying, “How can I help you today?” I'll tell you how you can help me. You can let me talk to an agent. I’m guessing that's what most people want, because the next thing I hear is, “To help get you to the right person, tell me in a few words why you are calling. I can understand full sentences.”
Wait. Does this mean you understand only full sentences? Instead of repeating AGENT thirty times, all I have to do is say a full sentence? Let's give it a shot! “I would like to talk to an agent.” Bingo!
“I understand you would like to talk to an agent, but first I need a little more information.” Now comes the list. I am instructed to listen to the whole list and wait for the beep before selecting the reason I am calling. I listen. There’s the beep. Nothing really fits, but they’ll say good-bye and hang up if I don’t pick something, so I do that, only to hear, “I’m sorry, I didn't get that,” and the list is read again. Again with the beep. This dance goes on for a while, until they finally come back with, “Just a minute. Let me get you to someone who can help you.”
I used to breathe a little sigh of relief when I heard those words. No more. I'm on to their little game, which is just getting started. I am told that, due to unusually high call volume, there's an extended wait time, and they urge me to use their website for the problem I am having. Believe me, I would have been all too happy to do that in the first place, if I could've avoided this call. But here they are, busy giving me instructions on where I can locate their website and what to do once I get there, all in excruciating detail. Do I want them to send me a link? No, I don't want them to send me a link. I want them to connect me to a human being.
Instead, it's time for a concert. Somehow they know all the music I like, which enables them to pick something I can't stand and play it extremely loudly. I'm afraid to turn down the volume, because then I'll never be able to hear the person who does finally come on the line, should that ever come to pass, which I seriously doubt. (Alternatively, they play an eight-second loop of annoying quasi-music that will continue to play in my head for the next 48 hours.) This goes on for 20 minutes or more, occasionally interrupted by their telling me how valuable my call is to them, and if that's true, they certainly have a funny way of showing it. Seems more like they're hoping I will decide to forget the whole thing and hang up.
Maybe I should be grateful they are not playing a selection of ads.
Suddenly the concert is over, and I am either disconnected, in which case there's a high likelihood that my hair will catch fire, or I find myself connected to someone on the other end of the line. I hope I can remember why I'm calling.
Thanks for tuning in.
Love those comments!
You've been listening in to 99+% of my phone calls.
Love your final line. I can see your hair in flames. Very frustrating.